The time leading up to birth was testing my patience. I’m the type of person who likes to plan, organize and have things under control. To have one of the biggest and most life changing events right around the corner, but not knowing when exactly, made me feel impatient. “Enjoy your sleep while you can,” and, “go do all the things you want now, cause once baby comes you won’t have the freedom,” were all well-meaning advice, but I was ready. I’d waited 9 months to meet our baby and I was ready. I had enjoyed my sleep and my “freedom” and was eager to meet this beautiful being earth side.
Then the evening came when I knew something was happening. I got a reddish discharge (also known as the bloody show) around 11pm, November 9th, the day of my due date. Earlier that day I had had Braxton Hicks contractions stronger and more frequent, (I never really felt them throughout my pregnancy). By the time the discharge came I was pretty certain things were happening. I told my husband and went upstairs and took a nice, long, warm shower. By the time I got out I expected my husband to be in bed so we could get some rest before things started picking up. He wasn’t, and I felt my annoyance hit the roof as I walked downstairs and very annoyingly asked him what he was doing and why he didn’t understand that we would need our rest. We went upstairs but now there was negative tension between us and I could not sleep. I rolled over and gave him a hug and we made sure to talk for a little before going to sleep. I didn’t want any of that energy around as we were about to embark on an intense experience.
A little after midnight, I felt a hugging sensation from my back to the front of my abdomen. I knew that was a contraction and felt another shortly after. There was no doubt in my mind that this was it. I felt excited but knew I had to go back to sleep and get some rest before the contractions got stronger, and so I did.
At 5:00am I got up and ate some food before texting my midwife an update on what was happening. I went back for some more sleep and then we got up for the day. We had planned on going to the sunflower fields but decided that it would have to wait and to just relax at home. We started the day walking with our dogs then went home and ate before battling it out in a card game called, “Magic The Gathering.” I had learned a lot about the game and had started beating my husbands butt in the game he loved so much, so I was excited to continue playing. At one point I had to switch from sitting on a regular chair to sitting on the exercise ball to ease the pressure of the contractions.
We had fun playing for most of the day. At one point I had to start taking short breaks from the game where I would close my eyes and concentrate on breathing though the contractions. After doing this for a couple of hours the contractions picked up in strength and frequency and we had to quit playing in order for me to conserve my energy.
It was now dark outside and evening time. I remember feeling a little loopy and anxious at one point. Even a little paranoid like how I’ve gotten the few times I’ve tried smoking pot. It was a weird state of being that I didn’t want to feel too much, so I turned on the TV and put on a nature show to calm me down. The evening past by and contractions were coming steadily.
As contractions got stronger and it was getting more intense, Keith pulled up his phone and told me he had something to show me. He pulled up one video after another. It was videos from friends and family wishing me good luck with my birth and telling me how incredibly strong I am. They told me how they were thinking of me and rooting me on. How I will be holding my baby so soon and how excited they were for us.
As I looked at my friends and family that I so deeply love and cherish and heard their loving words, tears streamed down my face and I was sobbing. So grateful for each and every one of them. Little did they know that their faces and words would come up in my mind throughout birth and encourage me and lift me forward. I would remember what they said and feel comforted knowing they were cheering me on.
After this, we went upstairs to our bedroom and I was sitting on the exercise ball feeling the intensity picking up. Then a very memorable sensation washed over me. I felt like I was super cold or something and kept shivering. My teeth were chattering and I couldn’t keep my body still. I tried breathing slowly and deeply in order to make it go away but it didn’t seem like it did much. At some point I got worried and asked Keith to call the midwife and ask what this was all about. Mind you, I had read A LOT about birth and read an endless amount of birth stories- and this shivering was not something I had read, or at least taken note of. Our midwife picked up the phone and the volume was high enough I could hear her words to Keith on the phone. She explained to him that it was most likely a strong surge of energy rushing through my body and that it was completely normal. She also thought it was time for her to come over and that she would call her assistant Ezinne and birth photographer Meheya to come as well.
I felt very tired from sitting on the exercise ball for hours and getting little sleep the night before. Between the phone call and the time the birth crew showed up felt short. That was the thing. Even though my labor was long and I was exhausted, time did seem to move quickly and slow at the same time.
They showed up and immediately took my baby’s and I’s vitals. They proceeded to fill up the birthing tub with warm water. I made my way from the exercise ball and into the pool and felt instant relief. It felt like the most amazing thing in the world and I felt like I was floating in heaven. It was magical and I couldn’t believe how relaxed and soothing that felt for me both physically and mentally. Meheya smiled, “It is truly the natural epidural!” We all smiled and agreed. I was floating in the water and enjoying this contrast – going from incredible discomfort and exhaustion to pure bliss.
As I enjoyed being in the water I got a bit too warm and remembered the small towels I had prepared for birth. I got the idea from my local bikram yoga studio where they would hand out cold, fresh towels in the end of a class while we laid in savasanah. They infused them with essential oils and it was always such a delight to have one of those towels over my face after an intense class. So I had prepared some that laid ready in our fridge and Keith went down and got them for me. He handed me a cold towel and I put it over my face and took a big inhale. Smelling the wonderful essential oil and feeling the coldness on my face was another treat and I was thankful I took the time to make these refreshing towels.
After this things started to become a haze of small events that I can’t recall in great detail. The sunrise came and a new day had started and I was still going back and forth from the exercise ball to the warm tub. A couple of times I was so tired and felt like I really needed to lay down in the bed but I couldn’t because the contractions were so distracting. At one point I remember Keith laying down and asking me if it was okay he took a nap. I said yes and could tell he was exhausted. As I lay in the pool and worked my way through one contraction after another, I looked at Keith and was jealous that he got to sleep. I was beyond exhausted and would have loved to get some rest.
At one point I did lay down in the bed with my husband. He spooned me from behind and it felt good to have his support. In order for me to be able to relax and get some much needed rest, I had to stop resisting the contractions. I closed my eyes and when I felt the contraction build up, I tried with all my power to just breathe and feel the contraction without moaning or moving or tensing my body. Half of the time I felt the peaks of the contractions without resisting, and the other half I would clench my husband’s fist in agony. I was able to get a little rest, but after half an hour I got up as I was tired of lying down and it being more intense in that position.
However, more intense was what I needed in order to move this labor along. I resisted that, and every time my midwife Kaja or Ezinne would give me a suggestion, I would nod my head and take it in, but it always took me some time to actually muster up the mental strength to take action. Why? Because the birthing pool was comfortable and I didn’t feel like getting out and doing anything else because I was so God damn tired. But I did get out and go to the toilet a couple of times. I sat facing the opposite way of what you usually would and had a pillow in front of me. This was intense and I did it in small increments before going back to the pool. I also got out and tried squatting on the floor, walking around, swaying back and fourth with my husband and even went down the stairs to eat a little. By the time I got down to the living room I remember feeling defeated. I asked my husband, “how much longer? How much longer can this possibly go on for? I don’t know how to do this.” I had a feeling of hopelessness and disappointment because I just didn’t know what more to do. My mother had birthed her four kids within a couple of hours and here I was nearing 40 hours already!
Keith looked at me with compassion and said I was doing great. He did ask with concern in his voice if I was wanting to go to the hospital and I shook my head. I was only voicing my frustration and the thought of getting in the car and going to the hospital was out of question. Looking back, I find it funny how my fear of giving birth at the hospital made me relax into and surrender to where I was in the moment. I was in our loving, comfortable home, with my husband, our dogs, my midwives and the photographer. I was exactly where I wanted to be and the only thing I could do was take one wave at a time.
I made my way back upstairs again and got in the tub. It was getting darker out as the clouds were rolling in. The room was peaceful and relaxed. The ladies were chatting and I was in the tub working through contractions. At one point it started down pouring. It rained and it rained hard. Where we live it usually never does and I always enjoy hearing the sound of it. My husband opened up the window and I remember asking him to take a video. That’s the only video from my birth but I am so grateful for it. It captured the moment beautifully.
At one point the contractions changed and I felt a different kind of pressure. The midwife tried asking how it felt and after trying to explain it I blurted out, “it feels like I’m going to take a shit!” She smiled and said that’s amazing!
I remember feeling like I was peeing a lot in the pool at this point. I don’t know if I actually was or if it was just a sensation. But I did get concerned that baby would be born in the water and it being dirty so I got out of the tub and onto the bed.
I laid sideways for a while and at one point I was laying with my back against my husband’s chest and he would help me get into a squatting position as I was pushing. This phase of my labor was incredibly satisfying. I felt like I got to do something and that things were finally moving along.
My pushing stage lasted for around 4.5 hours and as our baby started crowning Kaja asked me if I wanted to feel. I put my hand down there and felt his head. I was so excited that we were so close. Kaja told me to breath and not push in order for my tissues to expand and for me to gently open up. My main concern was tearing and I didn’t want any of that. It was my motivation for not pushing my baby out fast and with all my might. By this point I just wanted baby out but I did not want to rush and end up tearing so I resisted for a couple of contractions. Then baby’s head was born and then the entire body came out and baby was born at 8:25pm on 11/11/2017. No tearing and hardly any blood at all.
Three things to point out here. First, I never felt the ring of fire. In fact, even though a baby was coming out of me I didn’t feel pain in that sense. Just an extreme amount of pressure like having to take a shit. Secondly, when baby came out it felt very weird and I have a photo of my facial expression that says it all. Kind of like, “uhhhhh what just happened?!” Kaja grabbed our baby and put him directly onto my chest. Thirdly, Kaja explained to us later that our baby had a nuchal hand, meaning his hand was up by his head. This could have been a reason things were taking longer. She also explained how she pushed his hand back as he was coming out which I am so grateful for as I might have tore if that hand has there.
The next moments were really scary for me. I was still so out of it and all I remember is our midwife rubbing my babies back rigorously telling baby to make some more noise. “Speak to your baby, speak to your baby,” she told me. I tried uttering a few words but it was hard as I still felt so spaced out and exhausted. Ezinne tried listening for his heart beat and was having some trouble. I remember feeling terrified. More scared then I have ever felt in my entire life. “Is baby ok? What’s going on? Is baby not going to make it?” Were thoughts circulating in my mind desperately trying to figure out what was happening. In my head it was super stressful but my husband who was laying right next to me was just smiling and looking at our baby. “What is it?” he asked a couple times, excited to find out the sex of our baby.
Our baby finally, after what felt like the longest minutes of my life, let out a cry. We checked and it was a boy! Everyone was smiling and happy but I remember still feeling uneasy. 10-15 minutes must have gone by and I turned my head towards our photographer and asked, “is he okay?” She smiled and said yes. That’s when I finally let out a breath and relaxed.
It took me that long to feel like everything was ok. When in reality, no one around me was that concerned at all. I find it so crazy how much differently I experienced those minutes compared to those around me. I think it was just so much unprocessed fear that came out in that moment.
I finally relaxed and enjoyed my baby boy Asher that was laying on my chest. He was spotless. Only a small spot of blood on him and that was it. We tried getting him to latch on and nurse but he didn’t latch. At one point though my entire belly area was covered in Asher’s first poop. There was brown, sticky meconium poop everywhere and my husband walked in and blurted out, “what happened?” And started laughing. He thought it was so funny he even took a picture. I on the other hand felt super tired and dirty and just wanted to shower off all the hard work. I had to wait as the midwives were doing stuff and also trying to get Asher to latch.
Finally, I was assisted into the shower. I felt weak in my knees and so worn out. The water felt nice and cleansing. I got out of the shower and Keith was holding Asher for the first time. We got tucked into a clean bed with some food and then the birth team left us to sleep.
We put on the white noise machine and put Asher in his crib that was right next to our bed. I laid down and couldn’t fall asleep. It felt strange and wrong. Why was my baby sleeping alone over there after nine months in my belly? My instincts were crying for me to get my baby. I was so beyond exhausted and worried because of how “dangerous” co-sleeping was. Nevertheless, I picked him up and laid him in my husband’s nook. I thought that would be safer as I felt personally too spaced out and tired to have him next to me. I was worried I would accidentally roll on top of him.
I felt much more at ease with Asher in our bed and finally fell asleep. All three of us had a deep sleep together and in the morning Asher latched for the first time. I finally felt more normal and present. The love was overflowing and I was blissed out.
My birth was long and trying and I am so grateful for my husband and birth team who were so supportive and patient the entire time. Their energy was trusting and positive. Not even for a moment did I feel doubt our insecurity from anyone around me. All I heard and felt was, “you are doing amazing. You are right on point. Everything is unfolding exactly how it should.”
Thank you to my birth team. There are not enough words to describe how grateful I am for having your presence throughout my pregnancy and birth. Having your support shaped my entry into motherhood and I could not have asked for anything more.
And to all women working hard day and night, often at the sacrifice of their own family life, thank you. Thank you for doing this work. For supporting birthing women in their powerful journey.
